Golf Clap

There are two types of people:

People who golf and people who don’t.

I am the latter.

People tell me I’d love it.

People are lying to me and themselves.

A hole 300+ yards away.

A metal stick in open fields.

Copious sunshine?

Fine-motor skills?

Multiple hours?

Bird names?

This is a recipe for the “world’s most impressive tantrum.” 

Flipping golf carts

Bending metal into enthusiastic animal shapes.

Clouds of expletives hovering like a mushroom cloud,

Scattering vulgar damage.

I am not precise.

I do not like collared shirts.

I like shade.

I like my adversity not on full display, a spectacle for others around me.

I don’t like pretending to be interested in what other people do.

When I meet my maker

I will ask them:

“Why did you make golf?”

They will reply:

“To show the world that many would prefer Hell to Heaven.”

They will be right.