hope is...

 hope you and yours are well. lots to discuss in the near future. for now, here's this:

i will not allow myself this feeling forever. once before, not again. this time, i am not the scared child of the past. this time, the smaller versions of me are external. they needed the version of me that i needed but couldn’t give myself, wasn’t ready to be. i won’t sink into the worse version of myself that seeps in and burrows in on itself when faced with something this fresh, this angry, clawing, seeking. this is not my rage, it is the beginning of my eyes lighting along the horizon, taking on heat, and letting the feeling and the rays move outward. what will be left in the wake of my vision

these cinders, this kindling spent, this: the world i choose to make my own. nothing has ever been clearer to me, nothing has ever seemed so far away either. i speak in tongues to myself, at night, when not dug too deep into the fear

promise myself something better this time.